while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
