pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
