I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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