Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
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I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
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You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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