I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
