i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
