I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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