answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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