You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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