my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
why do cheetos always look like penises
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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