he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
