I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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