I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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