It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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