I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
