ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
