Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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