Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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