after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
