If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
