My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
not ubering you a puppy
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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