get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
