Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
handjob tips. give me some.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
