Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
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Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
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In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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