halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
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The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
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Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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