Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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