I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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