It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
