whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
