Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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