DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
