Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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