i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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