dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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