oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
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He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
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He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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