You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Drake has all the answers
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
