went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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