I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
