Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
