I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This is my gift to your gina
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
