Porn is love you can see.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
