something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
