Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
