Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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