I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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