did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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