So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
