In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
