My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
