we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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