I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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