I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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