: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
