Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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