Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
