I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I will pee on everything he values.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
