apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
