I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
