I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
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Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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