if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
