Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
