Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
